Holidays and Divorce

Deb VanVelse, Divorce Ministry/Bereavement Ministry Coordinator

The pain of divorce is difficult any time of the year, but it intensifies around the holidays.  Beginning early in November, we are surrounded with reminders of what’s to come; Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Cherished memories become painful reminders of what we’ve lost.  Rituals and traditions are threatened.  Our children, whether old or young, worry.  Where will they spend Christmas?  Will they see their cousins during the holidays?  Extended family wonders how to carefully navigate our divorce or separation.  Added to holiday turmoil is the array of feelings that might attack us daily; anger, sadness, fear, guilt, anxiety, hopelessness.  It can become unbearable.

I remember my despair the first Christmas when I was going through my divorce.  I felt my husband of 34-years, the father of my children, ruined Christmas.  I wanted to reveal his faults.  I wanted him to know the pain he caused our family.  I was heartbroken and angry.  Without my Catholic faith, I could have caused nearly irreparable damage to myself, my children, and my husband. 

That year, I cried privately and prayed my way through the holidays.  Never before had I felt God’s presence so strongly.  Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the Eucharist, and constant conversation with God, I gained wisdom.  God helped me navigate my way through the season without regrets.  I was able to be honest with my family about what I needed that holiday season.   I was able to allow my children to love their father without them feeling guilty, or fearful of betraying me.  I was able to see that life would get better, our family would survive, and new cherished memories would develop over time. 

We cannot minimize our pain when going through a divorce.  It’s the death of a marriage. We are grieving.  Jesus knows it hurts.  The good news is Jesus will walk with us through a difficult holiday season.  He will give us strength to set our egos aside.  He will help us be gentle with ourselves and all of those who are affected by our divorce.  He will comfort us and help us begin anew.

If you are suffering this year and would like help getting through the holidays, please visit our website - www.archindy.org/divorcesupport - to find information on a November retreat for the separated and divorced. 

 

Please reach out Deb VanVelse can be reached at (317) 236-1586 or by e-mail if you have additional questions.

Encountering Jesus, the Merciful Healer

On a warm evening in late August, I greeted five of the most courageous women I have ever met. They might tell you that they were apprehensive of meeting me, the other team members, and each other.  While the backgrounds of the women varied–mid-30 to mid-60’s, lifelong Catholics, converts, teachers, accountants & homemakers – they were each seeking one thing: healing from their past abortions. 

Women often experience a variety of negative physical, spiritual, moral, and psychological consequences after abortions including grief, depression, withdrawal from family and friends, deep and unrelenting anger at herself and others, alcohol and drug abuse, fear that God will punish them for committing the “unforgiveable sin,” and anniversary reactions. 

At the beginning of the retreat, I compared their abortions to a physical wound – one that perhaps they had tried to ignore for years, one that was festering and that needed to be cleaned from the bottom up.  Just as a doctor can only prepare a wound for healing by cleaning it, so too, these woman could only prepare to be healed from their abortion by God.  This preparation would include seeking to understand and honestly face their abortions, learning about the many factors that that led to abortion, and examining abortion as both a shattering decision and traumatic event.  In addition, they prayed and meditated on Christ’s response to sinners, which is always mercy, and imagined hearing the words of Christ to the woman caught in adultery: Has no one condemned you?  Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more. (Jn. 8:11)

The discussion and activities they participated in prepared them to encounter Jesus, the Merciful Healer, in the Sacrament of Reconciliation and entrust their children to the God the Father’s loving care. 

It was an incredibly moving experience to witness how the healing and merciful grace of Christ transformed these five courageous women. 

After the retreat, two of the women shared the following testimonies:

The Project Rachel Retreat provided a great sense of love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace to my heart’s festering wound.  I began tending the wound 8 years earlier, and now, 32 years after my abortion, I finally felt the kiss of Jesus on my heart which provided the healing closure I needed.  I am freed from my bondage of guilt and shame.  I am free to love Him completely. 

I had been carrying pain from my experiences for some 40 years.  I was in denial and didn’t even realize how much I was suffering and how much pain I had caused.  Talking with other women, praying and participating in the exercises and ceremonies at the retreat opened my heart to my unborn child and helped me to receive God’s perfect gift of love, healing, and forgiveness.

The next Project Rachel Retreat will be held March 31-April 1, 2017 in the greater Indianapolis area. If you know someone in need of healing after abortion, please pray for them and encourage them to please to call, (317) 452-0054, or email projectrachel@archindy.org, or visit our website at www.archindy.org/projectrachel. All inquiries and retreat locations are confidential.