Holidays and Divorce

Deb VanVelse, Divorce Ministry/Bereavement Ministry Coordinator

The pain of divorce is difficult any time of the year, but it intensifies around the holidays.  Beginning early in November, we are surrounded with reminders of what’s to come; Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Cherished memories become painful reminders of what we’ve lost.  Rituals and traditions are threatened.  Our children, whether old or young, worry.  Where will they spend Christmas?  Will they see their cousins during the holidays?  Extended family wonders how to carefully navigate our divorce or separation.  Added to holiday turmoil is the array of feelings that might attack us daily; anger, sadness, fear, guilt, anxiety, hopelessness.  It can become unbearable.

I remember my despair the first Christmas when I was going through my divorce.  I felt my husband of 34-years, the father of my children, ruined Christmas.  I wanted to reveal his faults.  I wanted him to know the pain he caused our family.  I was heartbroken and angry.  Without my Catholic faith, I could have caused nearly irreparable damage to myself, my children, and my husband. 

That year, I cried privately and prayed my way through the holidays.  Never before had I felt God’s presence so strongly.  Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the Eucharist, and constant conversation with God, I gained wisdom.  God helped me navigate my way through the season without regrets.  I was able to be honest with my family about what I needed that holiday season.   I was able to allow my children to love their father without them feeling guilty, or fearful of betraying me.  I was able to see that life would get better, our family would survive, and new cherished memories would develop over time. 

We cannot minimize our pain when going through a divorce.  It’s the death of a marriage. We are grieving.  Jesus knows it hurts.  The good news is Jesus will walk with us through a difficult holiday season.  He will give us strength to set our egos aside.  He will help us be gentle with ourselves and all of those who are affected by our divorce.  He will comfort us and help us begin anew.

If you are suffering this year and would like help getting through the holidays, please visit our website - www.archindy.org/divorcesupport - to find information on a November retreat for the separated and divorced. 

 

Please reach out Deb VanVelse can be reached at (317) 236-1586 or by e-mail if you have additional questions.